When does standing up for yourself become bullying? When you involve other people.
I am so not the right personality for YouTube.. I know this but when I started out I thought it was just me and a camera and I can talk all day long.. so I was the right personality.. wrong. YouTube is me, a camera and as many people as are watching that video.. not all of which will like me or what I'm doing, That's where I fall down. The worst thing is that I know the bigger it gets for me the more people will dislike me, it's always outweighed by amazing, positive people who leave great comments but those who aren't so nice seem to stand out. I'm the first to admit I do not deal with the negative comments well but it really does depend on the nature and tone.. generally if it's about me or my appearance I can ignore it, it gets irritating when they're spamming every video but a one off comment, while annoying, is not big deal. What gets to me most (and here's where I go wrong - don't let them know your weaknesses) is the stuff about my kids. I'm quite sure that by the time I blow up and you hear about me kicking off at someone it seems as though I fight every hater I have but that's not the case. I take jab after jab before someone catches me at a bad time and I react. I've been told (when I was TTC) that I didn't look after my daughter and didn't deserve another child, I didn't want my daughter because I agreed on 50/50 custody with my ex husband, I obviously favour my son, I refuse to feed them healthy food, I ignore my children.. These are just the ones I care to remember, there are far worse that I'd rather never think about again. Recently a teenager called my baby ugly and I went mad.. it was about midnight, I was tired and upon reading that comment (via email) I was pretty damn angry. Had it been from just any random viewer I think I could have ignored it but I knew this girl, she'd done it before and I couldn't let it go. I posted her comment on instagram to show her up.. it's a shameful thing to say about a child, call me names all you like but not my kids. If I'm honest I'm still mad even now but the morning after I realised that by showing all of you what this girl had said I was inviting you to attack her. That's not right. I didn't contact her or respond to her comment and so I thought I was venting to a group of friends about some mean girl who'd said something horrid but really I was no better than her.. she's just a kid and I doubt I was her only target but I hope she regrets her actions and realises the hurt words can cause in the right/wrong situation.
I know why I can't let things go, I was bullied all through my school years and I never stood up for myself so now I bite at the first sign of mean and I always regret it. I have always believed that it's nicer to be nice, I'd rather my daughter be the bullied than the bully because as hard as it is when you leave school (which is such a small period of your life) you will still be nice.. they will be nothing in the real world.. people don't put up with bully behaviour and suddenly those kids who felt so big for all those years will be very small.
..But when I consider my behaviour in the past with these people online I have done the equivalent of waiting for them after school with a gang of people ready. Is it because that's what I wish I could have done to the girls who followed me round taunting me? or to the boys who called me a lesbian for a year? or even to the girl that punched me repeatedly in the head (while I just stood there in shock) because he boyfriend asked me out? I have no idea but until this recent event I had never considered that my defending myself wasn't really me at all.. I was asking you to do it and that makes me no better than those playground bullies.
At the start of this year I resolved to delete, block and ignore but something went wrong and as hard as it is I am going to start over and try again. I'm not sure how people who get hundreds of these comments a day are coping but the fact that they are means it's possible (unless they're a blubbering mess off camera lol) so I resolve again to delete, block, ignore and never lower myself again. I'm not that person and I'm a grown woman.. how am I even getting drawn in to these stupid arguments anyway? Apologies if you saw my recent outburst and thanks for those who did offer support but it was the wrong way to deal with the situation and I'll do better next time.